My character Abigail is returning on season five of Girls, and this time she's in Japan. I'd never been anywhere like Tokyo, so I photographed and carefully logged each snack, animated animal, and SNACK to share with you.
August 1, 6:12 p.m.:
Seated and ready for my 14-hour flight, a little sparkling wine in my hand and the most beautiful flight attendants I've ever seen. Sorry to be a horny businessman, but I'm staring! Legit gorgeous women in the cutest floral outfits. They have little slippers for us to wear during the flight. This trip is already a hit.
I have unbuttoned my pants. We have yet to take off. What if I keep up this diary so thoroughly that I record every 15 minutes?
Woof. Six hours left on the flight. But it's not bad, each passenger has their own solo chilling pod where you can sleep, eat, and discreetly unhook your bra for a long nap. I love my pod. It is my home now. Listening to podcasts in a pod.
I'm already abandoning doing times on this travel diary. I'm not diligent enough. But!
We made it! Almost 7,000 miles. I eat three green-tea Kit Kats in the car to the hotel.
Whoa! Sleep felt goddamn great.
The hotel has a heated toilet seat with various butt-spraying options. Hopefully at some point I'll develop enough courage to wash my butt with this Japanese toilet, but for now I'll stick to the methods I'm most comfortable with.
I have a big, amazing breakfast with Zosia (a.k.a. Shoshanna on Girls) that includes ricotta toast with grapefruit jam. I guess in Japan I also eat mushrooms or a straight-up salami-and-cheese sandwich for breakfast.
I have watched three Japanese children's shows. I love them. One is a green pepper with a face singing a mournful song as it is placed on a plate of brown beef. I have no idea what is being said, and I could never even guess based on the visuals.
Ate dinner at a place where they cooked asparagus on skewers over a wooden fire in the middle of the restaurant. Yum.
Just FaceTimed with my boyfriend and dog, and I'm riding high. The time difference is very legit, a full 13 hours, so he's going to bed and I'm just getting up. Today is my first shooting day, and we are going to Takeshita Street in Harajuku. I plan to return as Gwen Stefani. Love, angel, music, baby!
A few hours later and wow, just finding out about Gwen and Gavin's separation. I don't know them, but I feel very sad. But I feel grateful I spent the day in Harajuku to honor them.
Side note! Damn, it's hot! Turns out 90 percent humidity actually feels like being in a hot stinky mouth! Upside, Lena and Jenni (Lenny!) are here now!
Today, we're shooting at a super sento. I'm simplifying here, but it's a bunch of hot pools for naked people. It's nice. It's fun to be on a set where no one is allowed to wear shoes. People seem less intimidating when you can see their socks or, even better, their NAKED FEET!
We also got one of those fish pedicures where a bunch of minnows chow down on your dead foot skin. It was as disgusting as it seems!
Tonight I have my least-Japanese dinner, a side of French fries and some club soda. Sometimes after a long day of hot tubs, you just need to eat trash in disgusting sweatpants.
Today, we went to a cat café! I was more enchanted than I expected to be. I think I would be more interested in a Dog Steakhouse or a Rabbit Dessert Emporium. Lena got me some mouse loafers, and the brand is BEYONCÉ. She's a true friend. I'm so tired from shooting that I go to bed at 9:30 p.m. I'm the most boring Tokyo traveler!
I love the edges of Tokyo the best, and we've been able to drive through some more residential neighborhoods. They are so green, and everyone rides bikes. There is laundry drying on everyone's balconies, and delicate flowers are growing everywhere.
Shooting is quick this afternoon. Lena and I share a #snacksteak at the hotel and then get dressed for dinner. I'm gonna be real: I am not a fish person. So I'm living on noodles and the most famous Japanese cuisine, the quesadilla. I'm one of those obnoxious American tourists who's like, "CAN I HAVE SOME PIZZA PLEASE?" I want to be better, but I am what I am.
We have the day off! And shopping and walking is the full plan.
We go to Tokyu Hands, maybe best described as an eight-story Target filled with insane facial masks, tiny fake food, stickers, and stationery. We also return to Takeshita Street to take full advantage of the Purikura photo booths. There are many ways to enhance your features, including "big eyes," "smaller face," and "whiten skin." Women around the world, all in search of that gorgeous Bratz-doll look.
We have a savory-pancake lunch that we cook on the table in front of us. It's delicious. Yes, I'm just casually referencing a savory pancake … mostly because I can't say its real name, okonomiyaki.
My super guide Kyle and I are hitting the shops solo today. We go to MY FAVORITE place, Donki, a.k.a. Don Quixote. This place is heaven. It is like if all those insane Times Square gift shops had a baby with a Sephora and a dog-food store. I'll let the photos speak for themselves. We also go to the Rilakkuma store, where I have a minor mental breakdown. I keep saying "I need this for my nieces." I'm mostly shopping for myself. I also discover my beloved Gudetama, a very bummed egg yolk who has so much 'tude.
It's our last day of shooting, and we are in a ramen place. I eat some pretty and delicious ice cream. At the end of the day, I'm back at the hotel, and I'm feeling pressure to finally use this Japanese bidet. Do you think I'm a coward for being here this long and not using it?
I used it. It was okayyy, but I'm probably not going to do it again. Very intimate feeling. Like a very breathy chilled spritz in my most inner crevice. Fascinated that I saw so many in public restrooms all around Tokyo — from train stations to fast-food places, bidets were there, ready to work. I guess I prefer a dirty butt to a wet one. I'm sorry I wrote about butt washing. There are many beautiful shrines and fantastic restaurants in Tokyo.
We're heading out! And I just popped the zipper on my suitcase. That's how much I loved shopping in Japan. I screamed "Fffuck!!!" so loud I saw the walls shake. Running to Muji and buying a suitcase. This has been a total dream, but I'm ready to sleep in my own bed and eat a chicken sandwich. Thanks for reading my diary. I love you, and I love Lenny.
Aidy Bryant is a poodle pretending to be a lady.