April Lennyscopes

Melissa Broder's existential predictions for this month.

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ARIES
(March 21 to April 19)

If you've been feeling like an alien, congratulations, you're on the right path. Like, have you looked at what the human race is doing lately? Do you really want to be a part of that? I'm kidding (not at all actually), and what I mean to say is this: when everyone around you seems like they are from a different planet, that's when we start to find our real people — or exercise creative ways to reach them.

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5 articles
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The Eternal March of the Madres de Plaza de Mayo
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TAURUS
(April 20 to May 20)

OK, this is going to be annoying, but don't shoot the messenger. Once a day this month, it would behoove you to pick one person whom you can't stand — an anonymous commenter, a relative, an ex who hurt you, someone whose beliefs are shitty — and in your head say to this person, "I love you, thank you for your life." See how you feel about yourself after you say it (forget how you feel about them). If nothing else, you can probably write a crappy memoir about your "month of giving blessings." It would so sell. 

GEMINI
(May 21 to June 20)

If it feels fake, it's probably fake. There is a certain amount of bullshit we all put up with to keep a roof over our heads and maintain some sort of identity in the chaos of the world (you could ease up a little on that needing-one-defined-identity thing too). But if it feels like plastic, it's not for you. You don't have to be a contortionist to survive. 

CANCER
(June 21 to July 22)

This month, I want you to experiment with asking for the goods and see how much you get. Anything you want professionally, financially, time-wise, just go ahead and ask. Do not be afraid that any offers will be retracted or anyone will punish you for your wants. The most they can say is no (which is not a rejection of you, but a reflection of where they are), but they're not going to rescind anything. You might get some shocking yeses.

LEO
(July 23 to August 22)

I'm not a scientist, but I know from my own mistakes that sometimes we have a chemical reaction to certain people, wherein things always end up in the same place: feeling shitty. I want you to block out just one of these people in one area of your life: physically, psychically, digitally. Just do it for one month. If you can't do it to the one whom you need to do it to the most, do it to the one whom you need to do it to the second most. But do it, and don't ask permish.

VIRGO
(August 23 to September 22)

It's time to welcome spring before spring fully arrives. Time to throw a party in your head. Meditate on the pizza emoji. Virgos need more parties. Even when you're at a party, you're not actually at a party. You're in your head. So it's time to bring the party there. Give yourself permission to float away. Force yourself to enjoy something you are scared to enjoy. Don't worry, your life isn't going to get fucked up.

LIBRA
(September 23 to October 22)

You know when you have a dream about someone random and the next day, all day, you feel weird romantic feelings for them? You've had this experience, and thus you already know that the brain, life, consciousness, and existence are composed of way more than we are aware of. And while you may not buy into metaphysical, new-age woo-woo (like astrology) (but hey, you're still reading), it might be time to get down with some woo. The next time you come across a new-age cure, healer, potentiality, or magick, I want you to act as if it's true. It's time for a lil adventure.

SCORPIO
(October 23 to November 21)

I just want you to know that the people who you fear will forget you are not going to forget you. The people who you fear have moved on will not move on. Even if these people appear to be doing new and exciting ballyhoo with their lives, you are in the fibers of their being (and not in a stalker-y way). Not to get all Schopenhauer on your ass, but if a moment happened once in time, it kind of happens forever.

SAGITTARIUS 
(November 22 to December 21)

Don't throw anything out this month. Shop yo closet. Revisit everything. (But don't hook up with any exes.) You may find that when you look at what you already have — the people, the stuff, the inner resources — it would be totally crazy to try to add anything else right now. I'm not going to tell you not to add anything, because I know how much you put your faith in the new. But if you have to get rid of something in order to take on more, don't do it.

CAPRICORN 
(December 22 to January 19)

All you maybe have to do is stop ruining stuff for yourself, which is a lot easier and harder than it sounds. This month, when anything in your head doesn't feel friendly, loving, gorgeous, sweet, peaceful, or kind (like every five seconds), just know that it's you doing the mind-fucking. The moment you notice it's going down, simply say, I'M DOING IT AGAIN. I am not asking you to be a Jedi of hyperconsciousness. I'm asking you to torture yourself only on your first thought, less on your second.

AQUARIUS
(January 20 to February 18)

You're allowed to enjoy the good shit that happens to you. You're allowed to enjoy the good shit that happens to you. You're allowed to enjoy the good shit that happens to you. You're allowed to enjoy the good shit that happens to you. ⚡🔮🌠

PISCES
(February 19 to March 20)

Can you let go of your FOMO for five seconds? One way to do that is when you see people on FB or Instagram who seem to possess the perfect family, significant other, party, outfit, body, or anything else you use to compare your insides to their outsides, say to yourself, Damn, they have worse FOMO than me. If they really wanted to be where they are, they wouldn't be taking all these pics.

Melissa Broder is the author of four collections of poems, including the forthcoming Last Sext (Tin House 2016), as well as So Sad Today, a book of essays from Grand Central.

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