LIBRA (September 23 – October 22) Don't adopt any animals this month without thinking it through. Like, it's cute now, but you're going to have to live with the animal for 10 to 20 years. The same goes for all cute things. Maybe abandon cute entirely. Go with ugly this month. But don't try to own that either. Just hang out with it and see what happens. Leave room for the mystery, boo.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21) There is no answer. Which is annoying. But it's also good, in the sense that there is nothing you are *supposed* to be doing. No one is really watching. They're thinking about themselves. That's a sad realization, and it's important to mourn the loss of your perceived judgmental witnesses. Or you can choose never to mourn that loss. You can even keep the imaginary witnesses around forever if you want. That's fine too.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21) Before you speak this month, ask yourself: Does it need to be said? Right now? By me? This includes things you say on the Internet. It's uncomfortable to just sit. Like, what is the world going to do without your witty takedowns of strangers? More important, what will you do without that dopamine? Go into silence. What begins as the grotesque mouth of ennui becomes a sexy cave of bliss once you go down the throat of silence. You might not want to leave.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19) OK, listen, you just might not be having enough sex with yourself. Also, definitely go hang out alone in a cemetery for an hour. Time of day doesn't matter, nor does it matter if you aren't goth. Also, it doesn't have to be a cemetery. It can be your own bedroom. Just spend one hour alone, and don't futz with anything. This will be scary but important.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18) There is flow, and then there are things we do to disrupt the flow. Why do we disrupt the flow? Because flow is scary. It's hard to have faith, in 2015, that what comes naturally is valid, important, good. This month, observe the ways you disrupt your own flow. Do you weigh yourself lots? Impose structures of where you "should" be career-wise or in relationships? Overanalyze good things? Do you destroy them with your mind?
PISCES (February 19 – March 20) When I was younger, I'd read 10 different love horoscopes 'til I got the answer I wanted. Then I'd be sad when it didn't come true. That's because astrology is probably bullshit. But magic is real, and we are in a relationship with the universe. This month, do more listening to the universe. This means getting woo woo. Pay attention to coincidences, and say the word synchronicity. You don't have to say it to anyone. Just say it in your head.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) It's annoying that satisfaction is an inside job. There's nothing you can buy or imbibe, no person or achievement to render you permanently OK. You'll keep trying, because that's what we do. But I want you to write a gratitude list for what you already have. Unless you shop your closet, you won't be happy with anything new for more than five seconds. Start now. Maybe when you get the next thing you think you want, you might actually enjoy it.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Sometimes, when a good tennis player plays with a bad tennis player, the good tennis player loses, because the other's game is so far beneath them. I heard this from a tennis pro or I dreamed it, but either way, I think it's true. While all human beings contain the light of the universe, there is def situational good and bad. We know this via Internet trolls and certain family members. Don't engage. See how good you feel an hour later.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20) I can't tell you whether you are going to get what you think you want this month. There might be another Gemini (or five) vying for the same damn thing, which is another reason why horoscopes are likely bullshit. But I can tell you to take the action, then let go of the results. You don't need to manipulate anything or go to any psychics to get what's yours. Rejection is the universe's protection, and the mind doesn't know what's good for you. If it's for you, it's for you, and if it's not, it's not. In this way, everything is already yours.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22) If someone is like, "Oh my God, I love you" or "You have to come to my birthday party" or "Why didn't you come to my birthday party?," and you only met them once, it's totally OK to not be their friend. Incidentally, if you're like, "Oh my God, I love you," and you've only met a person once, it's also OK if they don't want to be your friend.
LEO (July 23 – August 22) It's hard not to compare your insides to other people's outsides, especially when everyone puts up a filtered front online. I'm not saying get off FB or Insta this month, but I am asking you to begin to cultivate a sense of awareness around the behavior. The next time you catch yourself comparing your messy inner life to someone else's seemingly polished outer life, I want you to say to yourself, Compare and despair. Do it all month.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22) You've done all you need to do. Everything else is icing. Maybe live in the icing. Living in the icing might seem meaningless, and for some it is. Some people have never even baked a damn cake. But you can't stop baking cakes. You bake so many that the cakes, in a sense, turn into icing. There's such a thing as rendering the meaningful meaningless by doing too much of it. For you, to cease doing is the most meaningful of all.
Melissa Broder is the author of four collections of poems, including the forthcoming Last Sext (Tin House; 2016), as well as So Sad Today, a book of essays out in March from Grand Central.