I have never been a planner. The only thing I wanted was to live a passionate life.
I started a blog and had met success, money, and freedom. I had love, too. Love was never a preoccupation for me. It had always been there, and I knew it always would be.
I had everything, I thought. Only one thing was missing.
I started playing with the idea at 37. At that time, I was with a man I loved, but my new desire for kids didn't seem to find its space in our couple. Too many travels, too big an age difference, too many cultural differences.
Breaking up takes time. I was 39 when I left. I was traveling around the world; I had a million friends and grand ambitions. I was perfectly following the perfect recipe for what a perfect life should be. So, as a recently single woman a little bit late on the reproductive train, I had the genius idea of having a child on my own.
Gosh, wouldn't that be perfect, I told myself. I would hire a great nanny. I would keep on living my life as I wanted and where I wanted, with no man to interfere in any of my plans. How smart, how modern.
A lot of my friends were moms, and each of them had become one in her own way. Some were classics and actually had a husband, others had adopted, others had gone to the sperm bank, and some had kept the fruit of a hot one-night stand.
The only thing they had in common was the expression of exhausted bliss on their face, which was making me think this is it. This is what the secret of happiness is.
That's when life sent me a man. Chris, 39 like me, no kids. This didn't fit into my plans at all. I couldn't just make him have a kid right away! Good thing I find the chemistries of passion are way stronger than those of reason. I decided to delay my plans for a while and to let myself enjoy the delicious complications of a budding love story.
Playing more and more with my biological clock.
Ah, the clock. Let me tell you about my clock.
At twenty, my grandma started telling me it was time to have a child. At 30, my mom went at it. Don't wait too much, it will be too late!!! Still not ready, but OK, listening. Add to that friends, doctors, and society's pressure.
My clock hadn't deterred my new love. He had asked me lightly between two jokes, "Soooo, do you want kids?," and I had answered lightly between two jokes, "Yeah, offf, of course!!? You?" And he replied, "Yeah, totally!"
We kept on loving each other, and one day he proposed. Which is pretty classic for an American in love, a little less for a French woman in love, and really ravishing. For a few months, I let myself enjoy the American Dream.
First thing I did, a few months later, when he agreed to kids and we started trying to make a baby?
Why, I called a doctor, obviously. So romantic, no?
I was 40, almost 41. I went to the OB-GYN who had been recommended to me, and the lady immediately freaked me out.
Your levels of this are WAY TOO LOW. Your levels of that are WAY TOO HIGH. OMG, LOOK AT THESE FIBROIDS. At your age, I recommend an intrauterine insemination next month because we don't HAVE A MINUTE TO LOSE. NOT A MINUTE!!! At your age.