May Lennyscopes



*(April 20 to May 20)*

The good news is that everything changes. The bad news is that everything changes. So, no need to think in terms of forevers. The hellacious fate you just know you are doomed to based on some reality right now does not exist. But neither are the gifts of your life permanent. Let the gifts remain gifts, not just facts, by holding them in their ephemeral light.


*(May 21 to June 20)*

This month you are going to get a lot of money and dick and/or pussy. Actually, I don’t know what you are going to get, because every human being is different, and if you believe in astrology (which I sort of do, as a result of studying it deeply at age 19 in an attempt to control love, and being unable to shake this reductive way of seeing the universe since then), you’ll know it’s not just your sun sign at play. There’s the moon, your ascendant sign, and the planets too. But my friend who is a Gemini wanted that to be her horoscope this month.


*(June 21 to July 22)*

If you don’t eat cheese, eat cheese. If you don’t listen to rap, listen to rap. If you don’t believe in love, believe in love. If you don’t believe in God, believe in God. If you aren’t texting them, text them. If you keep texting them, stop. If you think you know a lot, you know nothing. If you think you know nothing, you’re good.


*(July 23 to August 22)*

Begin with the baseline assumption that no one really knows what they are doing on the planet. If nothing else, it will make things easier when you feel like everyone else seems to have it together. Also, it’s funny to watch people pretend they know what’s up: as though the little identities we construct are really an answer to the ringing cosmic questions. You can afford to be looser with your identity too, if you want.


*(August 23 to September 22)*

Hey, Virgo, here’s a secret: I’m a Virgo. So I know how crazy it seems when the rest of the world, or at least the ones you care about, just can’t get it together, do the right thing, act in what is glaringly their (and everyone’s) best interests. But no one is doing anything to spite you or themselves. They simply can’t see what you see. People often mistake us for perfectionists, but what we really are is idealists. We are visionaries. You can’t make anyone see until they are ready and willing to see. Save it for those who are asking to see.


*(September 23 to October 22)*

When faced with a choice this month, ask yourself: Which is real gold, and which one is fool’s gold? You may not like the answer. Fool’s gold is cheaper and easier to come by than real gold. Real gold can be a bigger pain in the ass to protect. I’m not telling you that you have to choose real gold. But at least know which payoff would be best for you—should you get it.


*(October 23 to November 21)*

What you dream tonight is what is really happening. What you wished for as a child is what you really want. Everything else is just a distraction, and while it is fine to play the game of adulthood and linear consciousness, don’t ever let yourself believe it is the only true thing. Even on the most ennui-filled days, your inner life is waiting for you to get down with it.


*(November 22 to December 21)*

Don’t let anyone make you be in the outcomes business. You are in the business of taking action and letting go of the results. The world needs more of this, because it helps us to witness other humans who aren’t so tethered to final products, destinations, future promises, and rigid goals. Just stay in the experiment and let others adapt to you.


*(December 22 to January 19)*

Now, more than ever, you have to live in the day. I know that it’s not always comfy to live in the day. I get that you sometimes want out of it. But the way your mind works, it’s not like your visions of the future are some utopic place to reside. Usually you are tripping on some future fear that doesn’t even exist. So better to live right now, where everything, in this moment, is actually totally OK.


*(January 20 to February 18)*

You sometimes tend to think that the right way is the way that feels smoothest, easiest, and comfiest. Setting boundaries can be messy, gross, terrifying, and even shame-inducing. That doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do. I’m not saying to discard your deep intuition, because it’s one of the most important qualities you have. But just this month, if you feel averse to something, ask yourself: Why, exactly?


*(February 19 to March 20)*

The people in your life are who they are now, not in some future fantasy. You have to assume that this is who they will be in the future too. It can be painful sometimes to see things as they really are, and no one likes disruption, but it’s better not to fool yourself. You are the one you are with forever.


*(March 21 to April 19)*

What would happen if you didn’t talk shit for one month? Would you explode? Would you like it? Would you need another outlet for all that energy? What would happen if you didn’t talk shit for one week? Would you not speak at all? Would you talk more? Would you be funnier? What would happen if you didn’t talk shit for one day?

*Melissa Broder is the author of four collections of poems, including the forthcoming* (1) *(Tin House 2016*), *as well as* (2), *a book of essays from Grand Central.*


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